Professional Bridesmaid Seeks Employment

Dear Future Mrs. Bridetobe,

My name is Hannah and I’m writing to you to express interest in your available Bridesmaids position. I saw the vacancy in your bridal party on your site and believe I would be an ideal candidate as your remaining bridesmaid. I noticed that the groom has 12 groomsmen while you seem to only have 11 bridesmaids which is what initially peaked my interest in filling this position.

We were never roommates or sorority sisters. Much to my dismay we didn’t spend Spring Break MMXIII together in Cancun; however, I’m confident that I have the charisma and experience needed to fulfill the role of bridesmaid.

I bring approximately 15 weddings worth of experience to the table. There were many bridal parties where I had to fight my way in with excited/sentimental Instagram posts to be chosen as a bridesmaid. I’m not above offering up friendship in the form of tiny cupcakes and Anthropologie Volcano candles prior to a bridesmaid selection. I take my responsibilities as bridesmaid very seriously and believe in excellent performance from start to finish. I’m particularly thrilled to tackle the role of Maid of Honor in March, which I believe will enhance my already robust bridesmaid portfolio.

Concerning bridal showers I make wonderful little ham and poppy seed sandwiches which are always a crowd pleaser. If you’re looking to go low-carb for your LGN diet, allow me to suggest my black bean salsa cucumber avocado dip. I would like to mention I’ve attended approximately 21 bachelorette parties. My extensive knowledge of sentimental friendship scrapbooks will prove infinitely useful for a bachelorette weekend in addition to my ability to function after consuming copious amounts of Skinny Girl Margaritas. I also come prepared with a Beyonce/Rihanna Spotify playlist which can be tailored to your preferences.

My experience as a copywriter means I have perfected the delicate balance of a humorous and emotional rehearsal dinner speech. Because I’m so interested in securing this position as bridesmaid I will share my formula for success: 1 part endearing bride story + 1 part embarrassing groom story + 5 second pause for welling up of tears = foolproof rehearsal dinner speech. Eventually I plan on trademarking this recipe for success but in the meantime I will offer it to you as a bit of a wedding present. You can thank me by not choosing a weird fruity wedding cake, because ew. Everyone knows a vanilla bourbon cake with a buttermilk cream icing allows for the most Instagram pictures with your exceedingly clever hashtag. Also, for the record, band over DJ.

For the actual wedding itself I would like to mention that during my tenure as bridesmaid I’ve caught not one but two bouquets and still remain unmarried. I believe this makes me an ideal candidate for maximum groomsmen flirtation. This will help bring a cohesive and elitist feel to the bridal party as we proceed to only interact with each other or at least feign doing so during pictures. 

Despite my competitive drive and the fact that I am vertically challenged, we can discuss the possibility of me purposely missing the bouquet to allow other more unfortunate guests to have their 15 seconds of fame. Because I will catch that freaking bouquet. I will throw elbows if necessary. And the flower girl does not get a free pass. Again, this is negotiable in my contract. I believe my appropriately awkward dance moves and affinity for group/line dances really enhances a wedding reception setting. If needed, I’m willing to take one for the team and resort to a dance-off with a fellow groomsman to regain reception momentum. It is essential to keep the party going until approximately 8:47pm when you should promptly leave while everyone is just tipsy enough to actually dance but not drunk enough to do the Electric Slide unannounced.

Last, but certainly not least, I offer a fierce commitment to what it actually means to be a bridesmaid. When you take away the fancy dresses, pretty flowers, and perfectly portioned salad plates there's something amazing happening. You're getting married. You're committing to love another person for the rest of your life, which is brave and stupid and courageous and admirable. No sane human would agree to love another person through stomach viruses, bad investments, and poopy diapers. But you're not a sane human because you did it, you did the very thing we're all rooting for. Despite all the odds you were vulnerable enough to see someone and allow yourself to be seen. If that's not worth getting dressed up for then I don't know what is. 

Back in the day when brides and grooms asked their friends to be in the bridal party they would say, "Will you stand in for us?" I want you to know that if I have the honor of being your bridesmaid I'm not just signing up to eat decadent cake and drink white wine. I'm standing in for you. I'm agreeing to stand in for your marriage and cheer you on when you've lost your voice from the yelling, when you've lost your way. I'm promising to stand in the gap fifteen years from now to remind you of April 17th, or March 12th, or August 3rd, when you were young and in love. I'm promising to push you towards each other and, ultimately, towards Christ. I'm committing to you as you commit to each other. It's not something to be taken lightly and I want you to know that I know that now. I'm standing in for you as you stand up for marriage.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how we looked in the pictures or if everyone had fun. What matters is the very thing that matters most in this world: love, choosing, commitment, and legacy. Those are the things you're creating and those are the things worth standing in for. 

Even if I never stand where you're standing, even if I never get married, I'm learning what it means to stand in. Just by being your bridesmaid I'm learning the art of choosing. I'm discovering commitment. I'm becoming a part of the legacy that will be your marriage. My capacity for love somehow seems to grow with each, "I do" even if I'm not the one saying it.  

If you would like to see a portfolio of my work I’m more than happy to send a montage of wedding videos along with the links to every wedding album I’ve ever been tagged in. I look forward to hearing from you and discussing the potential of joining your bridal party in the near future.