“Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.”
-LL Cool J
I don’t know about you but sometimes I get lost. Not physically lost, Google and Waze have made sure that I’ll never experience the crippling defeat of driving around in circles again, but I guess I lost myself for a while.
I do that every couple of years. It’s with strange relief I can say my anxiety is the first friend to show me that maybe, just maybe, I’ve lost my way. Anxiety for me feels a lot like being lost in a dark forest. Part of me is panicked and desperately trying to find my way out. Fear kicks in and I begin to wonder, “Will I be stuck here forever?” Then shame manages to creep in to berate me. “I never should’ve gotten lost in the first place. I know better by now. I’ve been to counseling. I should be better than this.”
The tailspin of my anxiety is wading through a pile of my own “should”.
All of that to say I’m surprisingly grateful for my anxiety. I am too stubborn, busy, unaware, whatever you want to call it to notice some of the smaller steps along the way. It takes my anxiety to really grab my attention and open my eyes for me to discover that I don’t know where I am, who I am, or where I’m going. Which explains all of the low key fear, shame, panic, stress, etc. I don’t know of many people who suddenly feel anxious when they’re confident in who they are and where they’re headed.
I think it’s easy for all of us to get lost, especially women.
I got lost because I let expectations and responsibilities get the best of me. I stopped listening to the voices that mattered, my own and my creator's, and started listening to the louder ones. I was in the woods after all. I followed the loudest voices only to realize they took me further and deeper into the very places I did not want to go.
Some of the voices that get me lost look like:
Sacrificing self-care because it seems selfish
Taking on too much responsibility in order to seem capable and responsible
Mistaking rest for laziness
Replacing said rest with more productivity and efficiency
Not taking risks or trying new things for fear of failure
Downplaying my needs or desires to be perceived as the “cool” wife, friend, coworker, etc.
Discarding activities I love if they didn’t fit into the productive/responsible/self-improvement matrix
Those voices are very convincing. I thought they would take me where I wanted to go but in reality they pulled me further and further away from myself.
In the name of self-improvement I sacrificed the “self” part and only kept the improvement.
At the end of the day I was left with nothing but that pile of shoulds and a laundry list of ways I could wrangle all of the sucky parts of myself out. But like I said, I lost myself along the way. I wasn’t all bad, you know, I had some really good things going for me. They didn’t seem good enough to make the cut and so I cut them out, deeply, ferociously, trying to carve myself into something I’m not.
But after being lost for so long I’m grateful to say I am making my way out of the woods. I’m slowly coming back to myself. I’ve put the knife down and am trying, I mean really trying, to find my way back. It’s not perfect, I still loop back onto those shame trails, but it is progress.
Maybe we should call it a comeback.
My comeback gets easier when I ask myself the question “What do you love for the sake of loving it and nothing else?” I’m not allowed to add caveats or filter it through whether or not it will serve me in the long run. I just need to answer whether or not I love that thing. Obviously we can’t only do the things we love, but some of us spend so much time on the to-do list above that we need to spend some time getting back to our old selves to decide what should come with us as we grow rather than casting it all aside.
I love being in nature. I stopped doing that because “it took too long to drive to the mountains.” I love going to the movies but stopped because it felt financially irresponsible and selfish. I love deep conversations, good food, and a delicious bottle of wine. It’s easy to see why I let those go- too much time, too unhealthy, too expensive. I love reading books but felt silly reading a good story when I could be reading how to better myself or the world. These things seem so simple but I cannot describe the freshness and relief I’ve felt by making my way back to them.
What do you love? I mean really, truly, deeply love? What brings you life and helps you find your way in the darkness? What keeps you from doing them? What would happen if you tried, just once, to speak up for the things you want and need? What if you listened to the voice who tells you who you really are, not who you should be?
Where would the path in the woods take you? I don’t know. But I do know this path feels a lot like coming home.