I’ve been married for a little over a year, which means I’ve officially mastered marriage.
My husband and I are now accepting applications to counsel all of the less evolved marriages out there. 1 whole year under our belt pretty much makes us experts, so gather round for all of the hard earned wisdom we have to offer. I am the peak of perfection as a wife! My house is spotless (no tumbleweeds of dog hair floating across the floor for us!), our conversations flawless, and I’m shocked Netflix hasn’t called me to do a documentary special about my superb culinary skills. I would never, under any circumstances, let us eat just string cheese sticks and chips for dinner…I am much too prepared for such a thing!
The first of anything is always transformative- kindergarten, your first boyfriend or girlfriend, freshman year of college, your first job. The first year of marriage is no exception. Like anything you do for the first time, the learning curve is steep, the stakes feel high, and you have absolutely no idea what the hell you’re doing. This year was no exception. While it feels like I’ve learned a million things this past year, here are some of the things I learned.
For the record, these aren’t just marriage learnings. I’ve started the learning process with roommates, coworkers, friends, etc. Being in community and deep relationship with another person is what makes us better, and that is not ever exclusive just to marriage.
Just because you do something differently doesn’t make it wrong.
This is the big kahuna. You’ve spent your whole life doing things a certain way- from folding laundry to grocery shopping to how you handle conflict- and now there’s this other person who does those things their certain way. You’re both convinced that you’re doing it right because obviously said tactic/strategy/MO has served you somewhat well over the years. 99.9% of the time It’s not wrong, it’s just different, and if we could apply this principle to the rest of our lives (politics, work, religion, etc.) the world would be a much better place.
Instead of viewing differences as opportunities to be right, I’m learning to see them as opportunities to be enriched.
It’s okay to have alone time.
Still working on this. Still working on all of these, always, probably for the rest of our lives. When we first got married we did everything together- chores, errands, hobbies, TV, you name it. We are in this TOGETHER! I like to call this the marriage hole and everyone goes into a hole sometimes (dating hole, work hole, baby hole…okay that word is weird) but suddenly I looked up and realized I hadn’t taken some time for myself in a while. I was also paranoid that if that if we didn’t spend every waking and sleeping moment together our marriage would fall apart. But this is silly and unsustainable. We have different interests, needs, and are different people (see above) and it’s so important to be yourself in marriage. We finally got into a rhythm of being a part while also prioritizing coming together.
We implemented weekly “introvert night” (or extrovert night in my case) along with weekly date night. It’s wonderful and helpful- we look forward to both equally as we learn to care for ourselves and each other.
Sometimes don’t talk about it. Sometimes talk about it. Always talk about it.
Marriage is just weird sometimes. You have an off day or week or you’re PMSing and cry about buying the wrong almond butter from Trader Joe’s. I’ve heard these things can happen.
As an extrovert I prefer to talk about those weird moments and process them out loud together. As an introvert, my husband needs time to think about what’s going on and process internally alone to know where' he’s at. I couldn’t comprehend that he didn’t know how he felt in the moment and he couldn’t comprehend why I was ready to take a deep dive into our childhood wounds immediately after a miscommunication.
Now we talk about things sooner than he would on his own, slower than I would on my own. There’s equal value in thinking about it and talking about it in a timely manner. But we always, always talk about it. Communication is key.
Don’t be fine.
Gosh, I felt so much pressure to be “cool wife” when we got married. Cool girl is the worst girl- she keeps so many women from being their truest selves, the self that has thoughts, feelings, preferences, and God forbid emotions. She says things like “I’m fine” or “It’s fine.”
I was so afraid to show up in our marriage as myself- messy, vulnerable, honest, and sometimes just a complete dumpster fire. I hid behind fine. Hiding those parts of me doesn’t make me cool, it makes me a robot, and unless you’re Joaquin Phoenix in Her, I don’t know of many people who actually want to be married to a robot.
I don’t want a fine marriage, I want an extraordinary one, and that requires both of us to be ourselves.
Play together.
Life is intense. We go to work, we pay bills, we try to figure out what on earth is happening with insurance. It’s really easy to fall into the habit of only texting about the grocery list or who’s picking up the dog from the vet.
Playing for the sake of playing is one of the best things we’ve learned. I spent a big part of our marriage trying to be responsible (read last post) and forgot to play along the way. Things like watching sending each other memes (I don’t care what anyone tells you this is the deepest joy of marriage), being spontaneous, or taking a trip together prove to be some of the best things we do for our marriage.
Playing together doesn’t have to be extravagant. We’ve learned how to have a kick ass date night at home. Sometimes I’ll think: can we afford (money, time, energy, schedule, etc.) to play? The answer is we can’t afford not to play.
I am a work in progress. A year will only take me so far, us so far. There’s a million miles and lessons left to go. But what a ride it’s already been, I can only imagine where it will take me next.